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On this holiday morning, are you worried you didn’t choose quite the right gift for a loved one? I constantly strive, but wherever I look I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. Absolutely not, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, because we're preparing the bird itself. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the blinds works just fine. And I definitely don’t want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because said DNA comes from milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I would go fishing.

Finding Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom

So if you’re always looking for gift ideas, I recommend: learn from the animal kingdom. Our species did not create gifting. This tradition has existed for at least 100 million years, long before humans appeared. With a little help by evolution, this has given wild animals ample time to master gift-giving. Heck, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their offerings!

Excluding exercise-related items and other things I dislike, there are five main types of Christmas gift: edibles, things for the home, jewelry, beauty products and apparel. The animal kingdom has them all covered.

Culinary Presents: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers

Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then look to the butcher bird, also known as the butcher bird. Males impale prey, like insects and mice, on sharp thorns and twigs crafting impromptu kebabs.

Certain insects present to their suitors spitballs, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with the freshest saliva sourced from swollen labial glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, which is one reason the females favor males with larger gifts.

An additional factor is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I am not referring to “looks great in a leather jacket”, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.

These presents are given prior to mating, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift during sex but ends intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Larger gifts result in extended mating sessions, where the male can transfer additional sperm and the female can’t mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for with such an elaborate offering.

Nest-Building and Bling

Adélie penguins don’t give food, but they do present things for the home. On the icy continent, where they live, one cannot find a hardware shop, so the penguins must source their gifts from the local landscape. Every mating season, males collect small stones and start making a nest. The vital building blocks are rare, leading some opportunists to pilfer stones from nearby nests. However, when a male gives a pebble to a potential mate, it is a sign his readiness for commitment. Think of it as the penguin equivalent of a diamond ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she wants to get serious, she takes the pebble and places it into the nest. Then, after a few finishing touches, they are ready to start their family.

Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. Numerous accounts exist of individuals who have befriended wild corvids and then been given bottle tops, fasteners, fastenings and other shiny items. In one notable case, two people in Florida were once given a bracelet with a diamond from a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents in the hope of scoring, crows apparently give simply for the joy of it.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sponges

Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of sea sponge from the seabed and using them in interesting ways. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they place the sponges over their rostrum to shield their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to court females, they don them as playful headwear before presenting them as gifts.

By doing this, dolphins brilliantly combine the last two categories of Christmas gift. Marine sponges are clothing and skin protection. To make it even better, when males present their sponge gifts, they often strike a U-shaped posture and produce a whistling sound through their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – such as a cat leaving a deceased rodent in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin gifts are considerate, multipurpose, sustainably sourced and delivered with panache. We can all learn from them. A popular song may have said the only desire during the holidays “is you”, but if I have single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-based headwear and skin guard by a dolphin that serenades me with style.